THE THING THAT HURTS ME

 NOT  TO STAR T   OF F     STRONG . . . 

BUT   , AS YOU KNOW,     I'VE   GOTTEN SOME  HORRIBLE NEWS   2 DAYS AGO.    YOU WERE THE   3RD PER SON  TO KNOW.  ( I ACTUALLY  CONTEMPLATED  ON TELLING   YOU . . .. AS I   ALWAYS DO   WITH   MY TROUBLES,   BUT I GUESSED  YOU WOULD  BE UPSET   IF   I DID NOT TELL YOU AS WELL  . .)

AND  , IT'S QUITE  ANNOYING.

MY HORMONES ARE   RAGING.   

AND JEEZUS ,    I'M  IN  PHYSICAL  PAIN THIS TIME.  

I HAVE TO KILL  IT  WITH A PILL.   

ON TOP  OF MY   BRAIN     AND  HEART   BEING  HEAVILY  TRAUMATIZED  FOR NEARLY A YEAR , ,  THIS SITUATION  IS SO DUMB AND   I JUST   WANT EVERYTHING  TO END .   

I NO TI CE  THAT  I  HAVE BEE N   SAY I N G    THINGS LIKE THIS  MORE  THE SE   DAYS,  . 

 BUT I   PROM I SE    , , MY INTENTONS  IS   NOT TO BE OVER  - - D R  A M A T I C .    

AND HONESTLY  ,  CAN YOU   REA L L Y  BLAME  ME  FOR FEELING  LIKE THIS  ?

I'M BORDERLINE HYSTERICAL . BUT  KEEPING COOL POSSIBLE.

I HOPE YOU CAN SEE MY EFFORTS... 

 

USUALLY,TYPICALLY,AND MOSTLY IN MY PAST  EXPERIENCE(S),  , , , 

THIS  FEELING  I HAVE   OF  WANTING TO  DISAPPEA  - NO ONE   EVER   TAKES ME TO O  SERIOUSLY. 

IT'S DEFINITELY  NOT   RECEIVED WELL. 

BUT ,  I WO U L DN'T  SA Y IT  IF   IT  WASNT   TRUE.   

I JUST,   I CAN'T EVEN PRETEND ANYMORE. 

I WANT  YOU TO KNOW  AT SOME POINT   - 

HOW   THANKFUL  I AM  FOR YOU. 

BUT I ALSO WANT YOU TO KNOW , , THERE IS A WHOLE OTHER  ENTITY   WHICH  TROUBLES  ME  EVERYDAY.

IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO SAY IT'S YOUR FAULT,   BUT   IT'S PAINFUL   TO   FEEL HEARTBROKEN  BY YOU. 

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. 

BUT I HATE THIS FEELING,   

WHY DID I  HAVE  TO   DEVELOP THIS   FEELING   FOR  YOU. 

IT FUCKS ME UP . 

IT'S EMBARRASING AF. 

AND IT'S A DIFFERENT REASON  FOR ME TO DISAPPEAR SOMEDAY.

I WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO DO IT FIRST, 

SINCE ,   I'M MOSTLY  AFRAID   OF YOU  DISAPPEARING FROM  MY LIFE.  

YOU HATE IT WHEN  I SAY  THAT. 

BUT 

WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY. 

 D E AR           SHE E E [  P ,  

AND HELLO A AG AGIN , WORLD. 

I   HAVE  B E E N     THIN K I N G A BOUT     S T AR TING A   NE W   BL O G  FOR AWHILE.  

YOU (SHEEP) , YOU ,  ST I L L   H AVE N T   FOUND  MY  IN-FAMOUS  ORIGINAL  O NE .  . .  SO ,   I DOU B T   YOU W I L L DI SCOVER THIS O N E .   

ALTHOUGH , . . .

THIS  BLOG  ISNT REALLY ALL ABOUT WRITING TO YOU ,  

IT PARTIALLY IS, . 

BUT., , , ,I THIKN I NEED A MEANS  TO  MOTIVATE  MYSELF  TO KEEP A LOG OF M Y    L IF E  -        I HAVE TOO MANY     THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS  .... IT KEEPS ME BUSY   ALL DAY  (MOSTLY ALL NIGHT ), A LOT OF PRIVATE THINGS TOO , AND I CANT KEEP TRACK OF ANYTHING THESE DAYS.  ( I HAVE LIKE, 5 NOTEBOOKS AT A TIME!)

& I KIND OF WANT TO LOG THEM HERE, SO IT CAN EXIST FOREVER IN A WAY.

AFTER THE FIRES IN ALTADENA LAST YEAR,   I REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT SURE, THINGS CAN BE REPLACED. KIND OF . BUT NOT AT ALL. MOST OF THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE   CANNOT  BE REPLACED.    THE MATERIAL THINGS . BUT THEY ARE ALSO MATERIAL MEMORIES.       AND 

I REALIZED THAT , OUR SENSES OUR SO I MPORTANT  .   WHEN MY MUM  SAW THE VINTAGE SESAME STREET BLANKET I'D FOUND ON EBAY FROM THE 90'S, SHE INSTNATLY RE-ACTED.     THAT KOIND OF THING  KILLS ME. 

ANYWAY , THIS IS THE INTRO ENTRY. 

LETS SEE IF I CAN MAKE THIS LAST.

E